Dysphoria
by october31st1981
Summary: Because, perhaps, the survivors aren't the lucky ones.


War is ugly. War is misery. War is submitting yourself to the fact you will lose. Lose your friends, lose your life or lose yourself.

James knows he is a target. He was privileged enough to escape personal insult as a child, but he is seventeen now, and the war has gotten much, much worse. His parents will not live much longer and they will leave a legacy of blood traitors in their wake. James has made himself well-known at school for his abilities _and_ his opinions on pure-blood propaganda.

He is attacked on his way to pick up books for Hogwarts. His front is pressed against an alleyway and there is a wand pressed to the back of his head. This is not the first time he's been in a duel outside of school, but this is the first time his opponent is wearing death eater robes.

The man whispers terrible things in his ear. How he knows where James lives, knows about his friends from school, about his parents. He mutters nasty things that he'd like to do to his mother and presses James's face harder against the bricks. James is not be sure if his opponent knows all he claims, but the thought terrifies him.

Knowing he cannot draw a wand without calling attention to the fact, James elbows the man in the gut. As he is doubled over, James stuns him. When he falls, a slip of paper falls out of his hand. James's address.

He doesn't get his books that day.

James is made Head Boy. He is not surprised to find out Lily is his counterpart. They spend several evenings of their summer together. James knows they are moving towards something more. He knows by the way they write to each other every night and how they are almost always touching. She is more of a target than he is, and it scares him deeply.

Seventh year passes quickly. His father dies. Lily kisses him. More people die. Peter is still rubbish at Potions. Sirius's uncle passes away and leaves him a fortune. Remus is worried about being recruited by Death Eaters because of his condition. James loses his virginity to Lily. Children are pulled out of school. He, Sirius, Remus and Peter all receive their last detentions. A Muggle-born girl is assaulted in the dungeons. Ravenclaw wins the House Cup, but Gryffindor wins on the Quidditch pitch. They all pass their NEWTs.

Upon graduation, Voldemort attempts to recruit them all, including Lily. He is willing to use Muggle-borns to exterminate other Muggle-borns. By the sound of it, some have agreed to it. They all refuse and nearly lose their lives for it.

James, Lily, Sirius, Peter and Remus all join in the resistance, in the Order of the Phoenix. Their first time on a mission they see a Muggle-born being raped by a Death Eater.

Most of their battles are much worse than this.

The aftermath of attacks is difficult. They are not sure what to do with the bodies, especially the ones that belong to Death Eaters. They take Order members back to headquarters for their families. They try to make the Death Eater's bodies a little less gruesome-looking and leave them to be found by the Ministry or by their family should they come looking.

Muggle-born registration laws are being proposed, claiming to protect them. The Ministry has clearly been infiltrated by other side. Many people are outraged and there are riots and protests following the proposal.

James makes his own proposal, which is met with far less objection.

Benjy Fenwick disappears.

Lily is captured by Death Eaters. They torture her in various ways to get her to release information about the Order. She is rescued, but not in her right mind immediately after being taken. They're not sure exactly what happened to her. When they get her to calm down, she runs into James's arms and stays there, shaking. At night, she whispers into her pillow what has been done to her. James runs his hands over her body, kisses her, marks her skin with his touch, wanting to erase the evidence of their actions. Lily cries. James cries too, after she goes to sleep.

They get married. Only members of the Order are invited, and James's mother. Sirius is best man. For a day, Remus looks a little less old, Sirius a little less angry, Peter a little less scared. For a night, James is just a man and Lily is just a woman and they press impossibly close and murmur words of love on each other's bare skin.

James's mother dies in the morning. She is old, like James's father was. It is not unexpected, but it leaves James devastated. Lily has already lost her parents to a car accident the year previous and they are strikingly alone.

James begins to drink more. He spends most of his nights out of the house with Sirius and comes home stumbling over things in the dark. He spends most of his mornings hunched over the toilet. Lily gets angry with him. She tells him he needs to sober up or she'll leave. James suspects she is drinking while he is out, because she starts throwing up more often than he is.

One night over dinner, Lily tells him she is pregnant. That explains her sickness. Her words kick the sobriety and adulthood right back into him. He is terrified. He cannot be having a child. He _is_ a child. They did not intend to bring anyone else into this war. They can barely take care of their cat. The thought of being responsible for another human being makes his stomach turn.

They discuss their options, but they know they only ever really had one, between them. They will have their baby, despite knowing that their child is doomed.

James tries to be a better man for his child. He stops drinking, for the most part. He buys a cot and a mobile to hang above it. He tries to be everything Lily needs. He knows she is frustrated by being left out of Order missions and feels guilty that he is glad she is safe at home. He makes her laugh as often as he can.

Benjy Fenwick is found mutilated, the only recognizable part of him being his finger, which bore his family ring. He was seventeen.

James is on an Order mission when Lily goes into labour. Lily struggles to give birth to their baby while James struggles to hold onto his life.

The Order of the Phoenix is losing. Fabian Prewett is about to feel the impact of a severing charm when Gideon steps in front of him. James watches as Gideon Prewett has his head severed from his neck. Fabian lets out an inhuman cry and tries to strangle the Death Eater who killed his brother using his bare hands. The brothers are killed within minutes of each other.

James barely escapes Voldemort for the third time. It is the third time that damns them.

Both James and Lily had faced Voldemort and survived thrice. A prophecy was told, the two days before his son was born that made him Voldemort's most important target. Had James died during his last battle, his son would be safe. (As safe as the son of a notorious blood traitor and a Muggle-born could be.). He blames himself, but he doesn't tell Lily so.

They name him Harry and ask Sirius to be godfather. Remus must have known it was coming, but there is still hurt in his eyes. He knows he is mistrusted by most of the Order because of being a werewolf and sees this as reinforcement of that, despite their reassurances. They see much less of him after this.

They are forced to go into hiding. James cannot handle it. He gets antsy, restless. Lily becomes more irritable. They fight, they cry and make love. It seems to be all they _can_ do. Harry is growing like a weed and has barely seen the outside of his house.

Harry begins to speak. His first word is "Mama." His second is "dead." He has heard the word more often than most things.

The McKinnon family is killed. Marlene, Henry and their three children are arranged mockingly in their living room as if having a family dinner. Their house is destroyed and pieces of them are missing.

Dumbledore offers them reinforcement of their safety: the Fidelius charm, which allows their location to be held as a secret in someone's body. Immediately, they decide on Sirius. Sirius thinks it is too obvious and suggests they use Peter instead. Remus is not put forward, and James knows it is because Sirius has grown wary of the man. James and Sirius fight about his mistrust of their dear friend multiple times, but neither is willing to budge.

They make Peter Secret Keeper. James knows Lily doesn't trust him as much as Sirius. He doesn't care. James knows his friends would do anything for him.

They have lighter moments. Moments where they can pretend they are a normal family, without a price on their heads. They make plans for after the war. Everything from getting proper jobs and a house with a larger yard to simply going to the park a block from their home. Lily will reform the wizarding society's approach to Muggles and James will become an Auror. They will teach Harry how to play Quidditch and give him a sibling or two to play along.

He doesn't feel it when the Fidelius charm is broken. James is as content as his life allows, playing with his son and flirting lightly with his wife. They are getting ready to head to bed. Harry will miss another Halloween. James wishes he could take his son out, dress him up as something silly like a pumpkin or a snitch, but he knows the danger of leaving the charm's protection.

James hears the door move open. Voldemort. Peter has betrayed them. James knows he will die. He realizes this very quickly. And yet he does not shirk from it, he runs towards it. He will gladly let himself be killed a thousand times if it buys Lily and Harry even a second of time to escape. He will never become an Auror, but perhaps Harry will. Maybe Lily will marry again and give Harry a better father than he ever was able to be.

A green flash and his body crumples to the ground.

Peter flees, taking twelve lives as he goes. Sirius is blamed for this and the Potters' deaths. He denies neither.

Sirius is carted off and marked a madman and a murderer. He remains there, withering away until he is all but bone and breaks out of his cell to kill a rat.

Remus cannot work up the nerve to kill himself. Instead, he lets himself rot. For the first time, he welcomes the pain of the full moon as a distraction.

The first time Harry Potter ever remembers seeing his parents is in the Mirror of Erised.


End file.
